Jose Mourinho’s plans for Manchester United revealed

Jose Mourinho, it is both claimed and denied, sent Manchester United a six-page letter, describing how he would manage United. The letters apparently claimed an appraisal of every member of the current squad, and how he would manage them. He also told United that he would curb his previous methods, in order to embrace the famous principles they celebrate at Old Trafford. Attacking football instead of his usual disciplined and conservative approach, and a willingness to use young players where previously he would go out of way to use senior members of a team. We can now exclusively reveal his plans for three key members of the United squad. He was at pains to point out that Jorge Mendes had absolutely no bearing on his plans to sell David de Gea.
David de Gea
“David de Gea is clearly an excellent goalkeeper. For the past three years, De Gea has been at the heart of making sure that Manchester United do not drop any further down the pecking order of English and European football. He has made some incredible saves, such as one from a Chelsea player a few years ago that I can’t remember right now.
“However, the importance of a manager is to know when to move on players. Selling them at their peak is much more important and useful than managing them through their decline. De Gea is surely suffering from the stress of being away from his girlfriend in Madrid, that must be adding unsustainable pressure to his life. Add to that the demands of playing behind a sub-standard defence since David Moyes took over, and I think it’s clear that he is ready to start his way down.
“If you’re not convinced, then consider that he is 25. Clearly he is now rapidly moving away from his optimum age - it is a universally acknowledged truth that ‘keeper are at their best in their early twenties - and he should be removed. Real Madrid would provide the obvious home for him and maximise his value. I admit there is a mild conflict of interest, in that I share an agent with him in Jorge Mendes, but as you can tell from the rest of my evaluations, I am above any muddled thinking.”
Juan Mata
“This man might well be the manifestation of Satan on this Earth.
“I have read his blog. It is clear to me that he is operating under the impression that he can fool us all as to his real motives. The smiling face that he pulls during interviews, on his Twitter photos, or just when he’s walking around in his day-to-day life? It’s all an act. I believe that were you to strip him of his shoes and socks, you would discover that he is the behoofed one, beelzebub.
“It’s obvious, you just know where to look. His beard is try-hard. It’s the beard of a man who discusses craft beer, who has an opinion on what coats he should wear throughout the week, and spends more money than sense on socks. It is a man who fits in perfectly with a certain type of troubled Mancunian, who discuss their passion for vinyl openly.
“It’s the same on the pitch. He is a disappointing facsimile of all the things that might once have been enjoyable in the past, but now signify nothing but easily assumed shortcuts beloved of hipsters. Vinyl, socks and craft beer? On the pitch, he’s a number 10, the most fraudulent of all positions, discussed in reverential tones by smartarses too myopic to see he gets shoved off the ball, goes missing, and barely scores enough goals. That he is currently used as an inverted winger shows that he just cannot leave modish nonsense alone. And he is definitely Satan.”
Wayne Rooney
“Rooney is the greatest English player of his generation. When I tried to buy him for Chelsea three years ago, it was because I knew that he would give everything for me. He reminds me of John Terry and Frank Lampard, in that they are utterly committed to one club and inspire those around them, and the fans are in love with them. His goal record for England and Manchester United indicate that he is a legend.
“But it’s not just Terry and Lampard he reminds me of, but some of the greatest strikers that the world has produced. He has the explosive power, the ability to conjure magnificent goals out of nowhere, and the incredible pace, strength and anticipation of Radamel Falcao, perhaps the best striker I ever had during my time at Chelsea.
“Similarly, he is also fantastic in the air, a team player, and learning how to dominate world football as he enters his early thirties. He has used all his experience and intelligence to adroitly adapt. In that respect, he reminds me of the very greatest striker I never got the opportunity to work with at the very top. He is the one who got away - Hugo Almeida. I was so close to signing him when he was at Real Madrid. I would, of course, also recommend that United sign Falcao and Almeida as soon as practically possible.
“Yours sincerely,
“Jorge Men Jose Mourinho”   
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